A Dateless Wonder

The life and times of a great Dateless Wonder.

Friday, April 30, 2004

Raising Victor Vargas

I finally got to see this movie...

It was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

Rent it. Now.

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Thursday, April 29, 2004

epiphany

I've always genuinely thought that my inability to talk to boys I like was due to some social ineptness and shyness. However, I've finally come to the conclusion that my apparent disability in talking to boys I like is unfounded.

It's just my stupid overanalysis that bogs me down, as well as my spending too much time with my old standbys fear and panic. (You may know them...)

I'm pretty entertaining and hyperactive...I should have no problem talking to anyone.

I just have to stop overthinking everything and plunge in.

Why am I a crackpot? Why did it take so many years to come to this conclusion? Argh.

Consider this Breakthrough #1.

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eye contact?

What's that?

I know how to stare fearfully, ominously, cheerfully, and blankly, but flirtatious or captivating glances?

Say what?

Isn't, like, eye contact...Really important or something?

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Wednesday, April 28, 2004

addict

In order to find a mate, one must leave one's house.

But how does one leave one's house when one can order books online?

One has no reason to leave one's house except to buy books and see movies in dark theatres.

One always purchases a minumum of $39 in order to receive free shipping.

One needs help.

P.S. I recommend you purchase the Freaks and Geeks DVD set now. I laugh, I weep, I swoon during every episode.

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Tuesday, April 27, 2004

noteworthy

1) 13 Going on 30

Why?

Because 80s nostalgia rocks. Garner's charming. They do a full-on choreographed rendition of Thriller on the dance floor. And Mark Ruffalo is HOT.

2) Freaks and Geeks: The Complete Series

Why?

Because 80s nostalgia rocks. Teen angst has never been better. I can relate to the geeks. I love the geeks. John Francis Daley is brilliant. Every actor on the show is brilliant. It's funny. It's well-written. Subtle & slow-paced, it wins you over.


P.S. Don't let Arrested Development on Fox suffer the same fate as Freaks and Geeks. If you're not watching Arrested Development (Sundays, 9:30), I hate you. Because of your apathy this AMAZING, HILARIOUS show is going to be cancelled. I blame you. Yes, YOU.

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Monday, April 26, 2004

patoooey! i spit on you!

stupid undergraduate degree.

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Sunday, April 25, 2004

sorority boys...

I love this movie!
Why? Because I said so!

Leah: I can guarantee you, that guy is 'Wham-Bam! Thank-you, ma'am!'

Dave/Daisy: No, no I heard he's a 'Hello! How are you? You seem like a person I'd like to get to know. Can I take you out to dinner sometime?...Ma'am.'

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Saturday, April 24, 2004

brain, thou art fried

I had these big plans to write this enlightening tale of woodpeckers, squirrels and romance; however, because of all this Shakespeare mumbo-jumbo...I'm just not up for it.

Instead, I offer you some weak and disjointed conclusions I've come to by observing nature. I was reading* outside on ye olde lawn chair today when I noticed a few friendly critters around me and learned some lessons:

-Woodpeckers are to trees as the discerning lover is to his/her mate.

-Woodpeckers are not impatient lovers as it were; rather, they take the time to inspect every tree as well as each and every part of a tree by walking up and down it while making sounds reminiscent of squeak toys.

Lesson: Humans should learn about a potential mate slowly by inspecting him/her closely while making sounds reminiscent of squeak toys.

-If a woodpecker does not find a particular wooded area appropriate it simply flies off without a second glance. The woodpecker does not keep trying to peck away at the tree--The woodpecker realizes there are thousands of other trees to peck at.

Lesson: If a human realizes that the object of its affection is an asshole or simply unsuitable, the human should keep on walking without any hesitation.

-Woodpeckers are not afraid to peck below the surface of the bark to find out whether a particular tree is suitable.

Lesson: Humans should not be afraid to ask questions that go below the surface, and peck when getting to know a potential mate.

-A male squirrel does not really believe in foreplay; rather, he tries to jump on the female's back while she vehemently fights him off and then runs up a tree.

Lesson: If the human male were to behave as male squirrels do when he is mating, all forms of human mating would be a form of rape and all women would hide in trees to avoid it.

Enlightened? Bored? Scared? I don't care!

*Reading is often the equivalent of napping in my world.

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Friday, April 23, 2004

money back guarantee!

I have a mother. We'll call her The Wacky Psychiatrist because she's both!

TWP, for some reason, is under the impression that all ailments can be cured by procuring a boyfriend/husband or having sex or both. Amazing, isn't it?

Have a headache? You need sex!

Zit on your chin? You need sex!

Feeling general lethargy and malaise? You need sex!

Or my newest favorites:

(Note: TWP speaks in a strong immigranty accent.)

DW: Mom! What happens if I don't get into graduate school? (a pre-acceptance question)

TWP: Get a boyfriend!

***

DW: Mom! What should I do career-wise when I grow up?

TWP: Get a husband!

DW: Mom! That's not an answer!

TWP: You don't believe me, eh???

***

DW: Mom! What's for dinner?

TWP: I can't wait until you get a boyfriend! Why don't you wear short skirts?

***

This is my life. You think it's a joke, but it's really not. I have witnesses. Truly, I do.

My biggest problem is that my mother's usually right about...Well...Everything...

Well, she was wrong about something once....And let's just say there's now a videotape of my brother dressed in drag singing "(I Can't Help) Falling In Love With You" being circulated around Cuba! <--True, again. I swear, you can't make this type of stuff up!

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Thursday, April 22, 2004

rant...

I love Blind Date, and considering that my life has become one giant guilty pleasure this shouldn't be a surprise. (I swear though, I watch it for the writing! That would be my ideal career--Official Pop-Up Blurb Writer for Blind Date.)

One thing that's always bothered me about the show is the daters. They ask the stupidest questions.

My biggest pet peeve is (are) the question(s):

"So, what do you think of me so far? I mean, like, am I the type of woman/man you usually go for?"

What a dumb question. To me, this query seems like its searching-for-compliments. Yuck. Do people really talk like this in real life?

Another pet peeve is the "Do I look fat in this?" / "Would you still love me if I got fat?" type question. WTF? Now I've never heard this on Blind Date, but I have a cousin who has asked the latter before. (FYI: Her boyfriend of a month said "No, I wouldn't." HA!)

Foolish! Horrendous! How does one answer these types of questions?

Also, what's up with Roger Lodge. I love him...But there's something spritely or wood nymphish about him. I can't put my finger on it...I think he's becoming more androgynous as the show goes on, and he's shrinking! He's turning into a very little elf-man.

P.S. The fourth grade student, Jason, said "You smell!" to me today, which I believe is grade-four for "I love you." Furthermore, he also asked me for my MSN contact information. (!) Ohh..What's that? Children's Aid knock-knock-knocking at my door?

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Wednesday, April 21, 2004

advice from a fourth grade nothing

Well, since I'm on the topic of children, I might as well share this tale as well.

Alongside the grade one class, I volunteer in a grade four class in the same school. And one day, I received some dating advice from one of those trouble-maker-type kids in the fourth grade class. (Why are trouble-makers always named Jason? What's up with that?)

Young Jason is an odd character to say the least--loud and obnoxious, but also very kind and funny. And he also does this weird thing where I think he's flirting with me. He also talks about marriage a lot in my presence. Or maybe he just talks a lot about marriage. Who knows.

Anyhow, one day the kiddies were cutting pictures from magazines to create collages. You know the drill. There was a mass of magazines and flyers on the floor from which they were supposed to pick and choose from. (Note: This method is also known as anarchy.)

My conversation with Jason was as follows:

Jason: Ms. Dateless?

Ms. Dateless: Yes?

J: Toshi and Calvin took the magazine I was looking at because there were pictures of ladies wearing bras in it.

Ms. D: Well, if you wanna get the girl--I guess you have to act fast.

J's jaw drops and he looks at me in shock. J recovers quickly.

J: Are you married?

Ms. D: ....No....

J: Well, I guess if you want to get the guy--You have to act slow!

Hmm...Words to live by? I do think so....

Aside: Apparently, Eddie Murphy's song "Party All the Time" made Blender Magazine's worst songs list (aka "crap-tastic melodies"). This news really sucks because I love that song. Poo.

McFerrin's "Don't Worry, Be Happy" and Richie's "Dancing On the Ceiling" also made the list--I also have these songs on my computer.

I love these songs. I hate Blender Magazine.

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Tuesday, April 20, 2004

Unrelated

This entry has nothing to do with being a Dateless Wonder...But I just am so sad/mad I have to write.

I volunteer in a grade one class, and today, my favorite student was being made fun of by the evil Lilliputian demon bullies. Frick some of those kids make me sick.

My favorite, Danny, is an Chinese E.S.L. satellite kid, and the funniest person you'll ever meet. He always tries to make people laugh...And maybe he tries a little too hard sometimes but I think he's a comic genius.

Those kids were saying things like "Danny, your parents are dead," and "I think I'm allergic to Danny. He drives me crazy."

How bad do these kids feel about themselves that they would say things like this?

I love Danny.

I hope these assholes don't mess him up for life.

Did I mention that I love Danny?

I rumbled with the kids after I heard what they'd said...And then I told the teacher and she threw those kids around in the back alley, but I don't know if that's enough.

It's times like these when I get that irrepressible urge to become mother hawk, and y'know, swoop down, carry baby hawk away, and live a happy life in the hills where no one gets hurt.

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Monday, April 19, 2004

Just imagine...

If I successfully complete the Masters I'm starting this September...I could become:

i) A Dowdy Spinster of Uncertain Years Who Sternly Hushes People. Shhhhush. Shhhhhh. Quiet! Can't you see I'm practicing my shushing?!

ii) An Unconventional Librarian. There are so many choices: an Anarchist Librarian, a Street Librarian, a Bellydancing Librarian, etc., etc.

iii) A Lipstick Librarian "She's bold!! She's sassy!! She's helpful!!"

iv) A librarian by the desk, a porn star by the stacks. Bloodly unlikely.

The possibilities are endless...

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Look at me--I gotta case of body language!

I own a copy of this book, you can read about it here.

(Note: I didn't purchase this book nor have I read the whole thing--it's a review copy my brother nabbed from the newspaper he used to work at.)

Suuuuure, Dateless, suuuure. We believe you.

:p!

I passed it on to a member of Team Date Patrol who thought she might be sending out the wrong signals by way of her body language, but I'm not sure whether I agree with the information set forth in this book.

I'm a bit sketched out because it seems to advocate plotting....Instead of body language being something inherent and uncontrollable, this book turns it into something contrived and manufactured. Let's just say that Tracey Cox ain't no Desmond Morris.

I don't think that preventing yourself from folding your arms in front of your chest or clenching your fists is a form of plotting, but rubbing your neck to expose your armpits because they are an erogenous zone (ladies only!) seems a bit contrived to me...Trying to work body language cues into your repertoire of seduction is just slimy.

I'm all for people watching when it comes to body language, especially observing humans during the courting process--it's called living vicariously through others, okay?--and I don't want to think the cues I'm looking for are manufactured...I'm sooo naive, aren't I?

A anonymous reader on Amazon summed it up well, I think....

"This book is really not for mature adults. It tries to show how to manipulate a man into feeling differently about a woman. Basically, it is a substitute for real intimacy and developing authentic relationships. I recommend guys to read this, just so they can tell when they are being manipulated. But this really is for giggly girls."

Now what ever happened to the international language?
The international language?
Love! I'm talking about the international language of Love!

Uh. Yeah. Movie reference much? This has got to end.

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Sunday, April 18, 2004

uh..yeah...it's 777-8888....

Fake phone numbers....

To use, or not to use--that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous suitors,
Or to take arms against a sea of creepy men,
And by opposing end them?

So apparently one of the members of Team Date Patrol gave some guy at a club (ew!) a fake phone number. (Cheers for being asked! Boo for lying, I say!)

My feelings about giving out fake numbers have always been mixed--I don't like to tell tall tales, but I can understand the urge to during these types of circumstances. However, I do think there are ways to get around giving out a fake number....

Why not be assertive and just say "I'd rather not give out my number--Mind if I take yours?" or "I don't like to give out my phone number" <-PERIOD. I mean, whether it's a no-number-at-all-line or a fake number, don't they all just mean "FUCK OFF!" in the end?

I just don't like the idea of being responsible for creating false hope...But I guess there are guys who ask for a girl's phone number just to end a conversation, and never call....That is sooooo lame. Get some cahones, asshole!

In terms of genuine interest...Would a man rather experience humiliation before or afterwards? I have an instant gratification problem so I'd like to know right away if I'm being told to bugger off, but that's just me.

Please conjure up the image of an unfortunate sap who has just met a lady he's genuinely interested in...He's working up the nerve to call her....

Sap: You don't understand, Mom--She's different.

Mom: So why don't you call her, Sappy?

S: Whew, Mom. I just don't know. I only met her yesterday. Shouldn't I wait a few days so that I don't seem too desperate?

M: But you are desperate. Besides, if you really like her, and she really likes you--Then sooner is better, isn't it?

S: I guess you're right. Whew. I guess I'll give her a call. I really feel as though we made a connection.

Mom busies herself with her baking while Sappy hesitantly cradles the receiver in his hands.

S: This is it. I'm going to do it.

Thinking "Little Engine That Could" thoughts in his head, Sappy dials the phone number that has been scrawled on a cocktail napkin in pink ink.

Voice on Phone: Hello?

S: Hello. Would it be possible for you to tell me if there is a Samantha Baker there, and if so, may I converse with her briefly?

VoP: No.

S: Oh.

As Sappy hangs up phone, a single tear trickles down his cheek.

M: So?

S: I guess she wasn't the one.

M: Well, you'll get over it, Sappy. Now massage my feet.

END SCENE

In the end, don't the Dating Trendsetters just tell people to hand their number out with a "I really enjoyed talking to you. Here's my number if you'd ever like to get together for a coffee" if they genuinely liked someone so that they can be spared the humiliation of being turned down or getting a fake number?

But then again, I've never been asked for my phone number...So who am I to judge? :p

There is 1 (one) movie reference in this entry.

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Saturday, April 17, 2004

What's up?... 2, 3, 4. What's up?... 2, 3, 4...

So as it turns out, Assignment #1 for Team Date Patrol will have something to do with going to a club.

Ewwww....A CLUB!

I have never been to a club. I have avoided clubs ever since it was legal for me to enter one, and I have a lot of misgivings about this particular assignment. I just don't find the idea of clubbing appealing--the smoking, the drinking, and I'm assuming, congregations of Creepy Men.

When I went to bartending school last year, our slimy instructor kept on telling us that as bartenders we would be "SELLING SEX!"

That piece of information has been burned into my mind. I don't want to go to a pick-up joint. Uck. I think I'm breaking out in hives.

I don't want to pick-up anything, drink anything, or smoke anything during my lifetime. I don't want to pick-up anything drunk or smoking, or drink anything alcoholic or overpriced, or smoke anything cancerous, herbal, or both, or dance with anything that's picking-up, drunk, or smoking. You know, in my lifetime, I don't want to do that.

Another concern of mine is my dancing skills. When I dance I think I might look like a cross between someone suffering from the "white man's overbite," which is disturbing since I'm not a white man, and someone who is stuck in the eighties. Not a pretty picture.

I wish I had picked up some mad break dancing skills during those lessons, but all I came away with was the knowledge of how to do a freeze. But then again, it's pretty unimpressive, dinky one. (Although, I'll admit I'm still wowed by my dinky freeze.)

I'm don't think there's anything inherently wrong with clubs...I just know that it's not my scene. Is that so wrong? I'm more of a bookstore-going, movie-watching, rock-climbing, restaurant-frequenting type.

Oh well...Maybe Richard Grieco will be there.

P.S. Whoever finds the three movie references in this entry wins the satisfaction of a job well-done.

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Friday, April 16, 2004

i’m watching my figure--for my new boyfriend

You know you've hit an all-time low when dialogue from A Very Brady Sequel becomes pertinent to your life.

Jan: How do I get a boyfriend?
Roy: Well, honey...The only way you're gonna get a boyfriend is if you make one up.

Meet George Glass.

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Thursday, April 15, 2004

Promises, promises...

Now it's time for one of my all-time favorite debates: Falling in Love versus Choosing to Love.

I'd never thought about the implications of the term Falling in Love until I read a few chapters of All About Love: New Visions by bell hooks. I gather hooks is one of those irate feminist/activist types, but we won't judge her because of that. Well, at least we won't for the purposes of our argument.

Many of us hang onto the idea that we'll marry the person we fall in love with.
Yuck, I say!

hooks writes "No doubt it was someone playing the role of leader [in a relationship] who conjured up the notion that we 'fall in love,' that we lack choice and decision when choosing a partner because when the chemistry is present, when the click is there, it just happens--it overwhelms--it takes control" (171).

fall
v. fell, (fl) fall·en, (fôln) fall·ing, falls
v. intr.
1. To drop or come down freely under the influence of gravity.

abate, backslide, be precipitated, break down, buckle, cascade, cave in, collapse, crash, decline, decrease, depreciate, diminish, dip, dive, drag, droop, drop, drop down...

Thomas Merton writes "The expression to 'fall in love' reflects a peculiar attitude towards love and life itself--a mixture of fear, awe, fascination, and confusion. It implies suspicion, doubt, hesitation in the presence of something unavoidable, yet not fully reliable" (hooks 171).

That doesn't sound especially romantic to me....

Some of us might think, "My, wouldn't it be so romantic to be overwhelmed by love?" But how romantic is this image in the end? How long do the feelings of having fallen in love last? I mean, scientists would argue it's just a chemical reaction...

hooks uses the word "genuine" (172) to differentiate between Falling in Love and Choosing to Love--Which one is more genuine to you? Something you have no control over, or something you make a decision, a promise to maintain and work at?

You can't force yourself to love someone, but you can be willing to work at a relationship by communicating, getting rid of doubts, fears, etc., etc. between you and your partner.

When you admit you've Fallen OUT of Love, you strip yourself of any responsibility. It's not your fault that the relationship failed, now is it? You just fell. out. of. love. Easy peasy.

If there's one thing you take away from this rather scholarly entry it should be this: Don't invest in the fantasy of effortless union (hooks 171).

I know, I know--In theory, everything sounds so easy, but theory is all I've got right now.

P.S. I swear I've read more than one page of this book! ;)

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hair virginity

I've finally become loyal to a hairstylist. She's a wonderful lady who does exactly what she says she'll do and she doesn't layer my hair. What more could a gal ask for in a stylist?

Each time she blow dries my hair, she always comments on how shiny it gets.
But yesterday's comment takes the cake....

As she was blow drying my hair, she cooed "Oh! I love your virgin hair! I wish I still had virgin hair!"

Finally, I get the recognition I deserve. See friends, it IS better to wait! =p!
Hahaha.

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Wednesday, April 14, 2004

They're playing our song!

Sappy, romantic love songs are nothing new, think of the troubadours...They existed before the 1100s. And we have troubadours today and oh-so many genres to choose from: Pop, R&B, rock, etc.-- They're all about love!

Which leads me to the question, how do couples get songs? Do they both agree that they like the song? Are the words so moving that they must proclaim it their song? Was it playing on the radio when they had their first kiss in the backseat of a car? Or did they just choose one off of the complilation C.D. Songs to Lose Your 'Ginity To?

A good friend of mine mentioned that a former boyfriend of hers chose their song for them. Needless to say, the relationship didn't last very long.

However, for those of you who do successfully wear the pants in your relationship, I've decided to compile a list of songs that, perhaps, you would like to choose for your our song. Read on...

You Remind Me of Something
R. Kelly

This may not be a new song, but it most certainly is a goodie! If you want to show your girlfriend/boyfriend how much you think he/she is worth-- this is just the song! Just take a look at this stanza:

You remind me of my jeep, I wanna ride it
Something like my sound, I wanna pump it
Girl you look just like my cars, I wanna wax it
And something like my bank account
I wanna spend it, baby


I don't know about you...But when I hear that song I think ROMANCE! Check out all of those gorgeous similes.

Enrique Iglesias
Escape

Use this song to show your lover the lengths you would go to for him/her...Check this out:

If you feel like leaving
I'm not gonna beg you to stay
Cuz soon you'll be finding
You can run, you can hide,
But you can't escape my love.


This song really lets your lover that you're willing to hunt him/her down if he/she decides to leave you!

The Clash
Lost in the Supermarket

To tell you the truth, I'm not really sure what this song is about, but I'd like to assign some meaning to it, so I'm gonna say that it's about the dating world, and how it's like shopping...or something. Look at the chorus:

I'm all lost in the supermarket
I can no longer shop happily
I came in here for that special offer
A guaranteed personality


Whatever it means, I think it's fucking brilliant.
Tra la la la...

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Tuesday, April 13, 2004

Here at DW, we love Tiny Sepuku.

And if you don't...Well, I weep for you.

As usual, Tiny Sepuku said it best, so I present to you Saying "Hi" is the Easy Part.

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Monday, April 12, 2004

Out with the old, in with the new! Or so they say...

I've decided to scrap Assignment #1: Operation 2 Scoops (a.k.a. Engage Ice Cream Boy (Man) in Conversation) because too much build-up was occurring. What was supposed to be a breezy coversation appeared as though it was going to turn into a mass of giggling hysteria à la Team Date Patrol. (They were intending on accompanying me to the event.)

Can you picture it? I can...

SCENARIO #1

Dateless: Hello there, young man. Do you find you resent ice cream more with every waking hour you spend in this fine establishment?

Ice Cream Boy (Man): It's true! I used to love ice cream, but now I loathe it to the point that I like to put a little bit of myself into every batch! (ICB(M) winks knowingly.)

D: My goodness! Aren't you a regular Tyler Durden!

ICB(M): Indeed, I am.

D: Hmm...So...(aside) Where do I go from there, girls?

Team Date Patrol: (in unison) SHE FANCIES A SHAG!

End Scene


SCENARIO #2

D: Hi there! What flavour would you suggest?

ICB(M): That's original.

D: Ben & Jerry's. 1975. You sat at my table!

ICB(M): I was your scooopa.

D: My what?

ICB(M): Your scooopa! Scoooooopa!

D: I'm sorry. What in the world is a scoooopa?

ICB(M): SCOOPER! SCOOPER! I WAS YOUR SCOOPER!

D: Oh! Sorry--Miss Fitzhenry?

ICB(M): Fuck. Finally. Bugsy.....Brown.

D & ICB(M) grin at omniscient camera and do a musical number singing the praises of Oil of Olay. ("It takes your wrinkles all away! The aging process is delayed!")

End Scene

SCENARIO #3

ICB(M) looks imploringly at D.

ICB(M): Yes?

D: I'll have roasted marshmallow, 1 scoop...No, no, wait--Make that two scoops.

ICB(M): Cup?

D: Yes, cup.

ICB(M) scoops, puts ice cream on counter.

D hands over exact change.

D: Thank you.

ICB(M): Thanks.

Team Dateless: (speaks in hushed voices) You messed up!

D: I didn't say anything because I think he farted. Oh! Hold that thought...My mistake...They're like little criminals, aren't they? Breaking free whenever they please...

D mugs for omniscient camera and shrugs.

End Scene

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Dateless Club

It's become trite, but as a sometimes-fan of Palahniuk-I just can't resist.

The first rule of Dateless Club is - you do not talk about Dateless Club.

The second rule of Dateless Club is - you DO NOT talk about Dateless Club.

Third rule of Dateless Club, someone yells "CREEPY MAN!", goes limp, taps out, the date is over.

Fourth rule, only one dateless wonder to a date. Two at a time and all you've got is a fucking tea party.

Fifth rule, one date at a time, Wonders.

Sixth rule, low-cut shirt, Manolo heels.

Seventh rule, dates will go on as long as conversations are sustainable.

And the eighth and final rule, if this is your first night at Dateless Club, you have to talk to a boy.

I am Jack's walking cliche.

(You said you found the idea of a cult intriguing, didn't you, Junky? :)

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Sunday, April 11, 2004

If Amelie chooses to live in a dream and remain an introverted young woman, she has an absolute right to mess up her life.

Can you tell I watched Amelie again? Bad Dateless, bad.

...Revelation time...

When I get a crush, I fall hard. And it doesn't take much for me to a) get a crush and b) maintain one-- my imagination is an amazing thing. I can maintain a crush for years without having spoken to my object. (Jeez...I mean, if I haven't even spoken to the guy...He is an object, isn't he? Or some sort of screen I project desirable characteristics on to?)

The main problem I have when I'm crushing on someone is that I remain loyal to my crush. I am incapable of noticing any other men that may come my way as long as I have that one, single crush.

I would often pride myself on this sense of loyalty...Thinking that it was quite remarkable to be so loyal to someone even though I knew nothing about them.

However, I think I've overcome my initial ignorance and have realized that my "loyalty" or false sense of loyalty was just another horrible coping mechanism of mine.

Instead of allowing myself to see all the fish in the sea, I put on these blinders.

Ohhh...The melodrama of self-analysis.

My new mantra will be fixation = wrong.

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Saturday, April 10, 2004

I didn't really go into detail about our Date Patrol plan yesterday because I wanted to tell the terrifying story of Creepy Man, but now I'll go into a touch more detail.

So we've decided to give ourselves an assignment a week, and each assignment should push us to deal with any fears we have. In other words, during an assignment I should feel UNCOMFORTABLE so that I...Eventually...Will learn not to be freaked out by little things such as saying "Hi!" or "How are you?" when dealing with men I'm attracted to.

My first assignment is so itty-bitty that it is just sad. But I suppose it just demonstrates how terrified I am of the whole dating scene.

Baby steps. Baby steps.

My first assignment--I think I'm blushing as I write this because it just seems so paltry--is to engage my new sorta/kinda crush in a conversation.

Now I just wanted to work up the nerve to tack on a "Hi! How're you?" to my "I'll have one scoop of coffee toffee in a cup, please." But apparently the other dateless wonders don't think that's enough of a stretch.

HA! Yes. New semi-crush is a slightly anemic-looking ice cream boy (man). There's just something about his eyes I like...And not much else that stands out in terms of the limited/superficial characteristics I'm working with at this point.

Anyway, I'm suppose to start a conversation that doesn't involve common greetings....Any ideas?

My only idea is the tried and true question of whether working in an ice cream shop makes one hate ice cream.

I'm assuming I'll get a "Yes" to that question because...Well, I don't think one can be in one's twenties and not be bitter about working in an ice cream shop...But maybe I'm being cynical.

Any other ideas?

Aren't only wee tots such as sixteen year olds supposed to be afraid to talk to the ice cream boy? What's wrong with me?

Don't answer that, please.

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Friday, April 09, 2004

Depending on where you're reading from you may be familiar with either the BBC's Would Like to Meet or TLC's knock-off Date Patrol.

If you're not familiar with either version, these shows take permanent singletons and groom them for the world of dating by way of teaching them the ways of good communication, body language, and style.

I was out with some other Dateless Wonders on Wednesday night, and the topic of singleness came up (as it most usually does), and we decided right there and then that we would put ourselves up to own version of Date Patrol!

As sad as it sounds, we are going to come up with weekly assignments to propel us into the world of becoming comfortable talking to boys we like! We are going to attempt to abandon Dateless Wonder's How NOT to Get a Date

***

Positive, proactive and pretty, I decided to embrace the world of men with this new found vigor.

But who was to know your faithful Dateless was to be sucked into the abyss of all that is gross and creepy about men within a moment of her decision to make a change for the better?

I went to a tiny coffee shop with a mate of mine after class on Thursday. Maneuvering our bags around the tight and disorderly arrangement of chairs and tables, we found ourselves a nice table near a window. Perfect for people watching-- Little did we know WE were the ones being watched.

There was this late-twenties or early-thirties, average-looking business man staring at us. He had an open book: Who Moved My Cheese: An Amazing Way to Deal with Change in Your Work and in Your Life, a (p)leather organizer and a cell phone sitting on his table. And a big grin on his face.

Thought the big grin meant one of two things:

1) "Tight fit, eh?"
2) "I'm actually saving that table for my mates."

Thinking this was a perfect time to exercise my budding skills of communication, I cheerily smiled and said "Are these seats taken?" to which he responded with a grunt that could have meant nothing more than "Fuck off."

Dateless's first thought: "ABORT! ABORT!"

Creepy Man began to talk to Friend in the most CREEPY MAN WAY possible. It was a cross between a sly Lothario and a complete stoner.

Creepy Man: I looooooooove coff-ay, don't you looooooooove coff-ay?

Friend: No, actually I don't.

(Did I mention Friend is engaged and getting married on July 24?)

CM: Ohh. Uh. Okay.

Friend gives look that simply means: "ABORT! ABORT!" and we decide to get our drinks.
Friend returns to table before I do, CM has already started talking to her.
When I arrive at the table he stops. Friend and I begin to speak again.
When Friend removes tea bag from her cup, CM moves in again.

CM: What are you drinking?

F: Earl. Grey. Tea.

CM: Oooh! It looks soooooooo good! I should have ordered that! My name's Kelley. What's yours?

F: I'm. Sorry. What. Are. You. Saying?

Either synapses in CM's brain actually begin making connections or finally give out on him completely as he makes no further comments; although I do notice he continues to stare at us for about five more minutes until...

An attractive looking blonde bubbly perches herself at his table and proclaims:

"I'm so sorry I'm late! I had to run some errands and then...."

To which CM replies with a "No problem, let's change seats and sit over there."

GAH?

Was that his girlfriend? Was that his sister?

The only choice bits of his conversation we could hear after that was a booming:

"SO I'LL MAKE DINNER AND YOU MAKE DESSERT!"

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Wednesday, April 07, 2004

Saw the Desperate Dateless Obsessive Object today, but am wondering whether boy is gay or not...That type of thing usually puts a damper on my crushes...Call me old-fashioned.

I hate to be one of those daft broads that complains all men are either taken or gay...but...I think that the statement has some validity to it...

When choosing a potential mate, one must first look at four areas before one can proceed towards finding out about other important characteristics such as evidence of intelligence and a nuturing nature. (Meh.)

1) Is the gentleman presently in a short term relationship?
2) Is the gentleman presently in a long term relationship?
3) Is the gentleman presently married?
4) Is the gentleman presently a homosexual?

As you've probably noticed, these four questions rule out a lot of men!

Evidence of the above ties can be noted by asking superficial questions such as:

i) Does he dress too well? That is, does his girlfriend dress him? Or does he dress himself with a touch too much?
ii) Is he wearing any rings?
iii) Does he highlight his hair?
iv) Does he have a fake tan?
v) Does he look anemic?
vi) Does he had the word "SASSY" tatooed on his inner wrist?

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Tuesday, April 06, 2004

Promptly after the snares of obsession caught me, true reason seems to have released me. Victory is mine! This is unprecedented in the world of obsession! (Or at least in my world of obsession.)

It is possible to let go of a crush by way of reason once obsession has taken hold; however, during extreme cases it is usually obsessive-reasoning that takes hold, and consequently not a form of reason but rather a form of obsession in disguise. Ha! Does that make sense?

e.g. In Obsession, I might think:

I love him! He's the only one for me! No one will ever match him in his wit or boyish good looks!

During Obsessive-Reasoning, I might think:
(Observe how the final thought is rich with Obsession.)

C'mon, Dateless! You don't love him! He can't be the only one for you....but what if he is? You can't risk losing him! Continue to stare, grasshopper! Stare with all your might!

And finally, in True Reasoning, I might think:

You absolute arse! You don't love him. He can't be the only one for you. You haven't even spoken to him. Truth is, he doesn't even know you exist. He doesn't, does he? Welcome back to earth.

I will know for sure if I am experiencing True Reason tomorrow when I see potential crush again. Obsession is a wily force, you know.

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Monday, April 05, 2004

It's bbbbbbbaaaaaacccccccccccck!

Throughout this entire year there was nary sight of a crush!

All was going well as I was not in superstalkingcrusher-mode during any point this year, and I must admit I was quite impressed with myself. However, all of that seems to have changed.

Argh. Argh. Argh. Argh. Argh. Argh. Did I mention, Argh?

Why is it at the first glance of a semi-intriguing bloke I go into What if mode? (Not to be confused with the previously mentioned and then mode.)

It doesn't take much to go into What if mode: The only thing you really need is the ability to see your crush on a semi-regular basis.
Once a week, tops!

What if he's nice...What if he's sweet...What if he HAS NO IDEA YOU EXIST!

Ack!

The last idea never really occurs to the superstalkingcrusher because she would never want to believe that! It's so, like, negative!

During the time of What if, imagination and reason say their goodbyes, and imagination joins with obsession. Together, they create a wonderful union that can and will last for a very long time.

Now I'd tell you all about this lad who I fancy but...

a) I know nothing about him.
b) My designs and plans for what I think he's like are constantly changing! :p That is, I haven't come up with an ideal creation yet.
c) Besides, I'll probably only see him two more times in the near future, and well, that's not much to go on.

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Saturday, April 03, 2004

I ended up watching _Amélie_ again last night. What better way for a permanent singleton to spend a lonely Friday evening than to watch a movie about a permanent singleton who, of course, finds love, sweet love in the end.

Amélie should be the permanent singleton's (PS) patron figment.

She flits about avoiding action yet at the same time conspires towards action. I think the avoidance of action or change in regard to her own life masterfully displays the way of the PS.

Dufayel: So, my little Amélie, you don't have bones of glass. You can take life's knocks. If you let this chance pass, eventually, your heart will become as dry and brittle as my skeleton. So, go to him, dammit.

Is this our fate?

Tonight they're showing Carson McCuller's A Heart is a Lonely Hunter (aka A Permanent Singleton's Worst Nightmare).

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Friday, April 02, 2004

I know I give the impression that I've been waiting around my whole life to be asked out...And yes, that's true to some extent, but there was one occasion where I asked out a strapping young lad. (I'm not sure I would actully describe him as strapping...but what can you do).

I worked with this very tall, very nice boy at a very crappy retail store. I have trouble saying man (another issue of mine, I suppose), so for your reference he was about 23 at the time.

Over the year of working him, I maintained quite an impressive crush. The usual obssessive symptoms were evident: constanting thinking about him, butterflies, nerves, high hopes, low hopes, etc. In other words, all the symptoms one should be wary of. I must mention though (it's a pride thing), that I didn't begin speaking to him until he started speaking to me. I hadn't noticed him earlier, and probably never would have.

So we would speak when we could...but as our conversations progressed I was always the one initiating them and maintaining them. These facts should have been signs to me, big, red STOP signs, but they weren't. I was too steeped in the obsession.

Finally, after months of wavering about asking him out...I finally did. He had mentioned he wanted to see a particular movie that I wanted to see as well. (I like to maintain that I asked him out very casually but I doubt that was the case).

Dateless: So do you want to, maybe, catch Memento later?

Boy: Oh. Yeah, I really wanna see it, but I have to get home.

Dateless: Oh.

Boy: Why don't you go see it alone? I see movies alone all the time.

Dateless: But...Um. Yeah. That wasn't really the point, but thanks for the idea.


Quoi? Aren't boys supposed to say things like, "Sorry. Can't tonight, maybe another time," with no intention of there ever being another time?? This bastard ruined the historical method of giving a girl false hope!

Actually, I'm not disappointed about his methods, I couldn't have picked a more honest boy.

But he didn't have to suggest I see it ALONE. ALONE? ALONE.

Consolation Prize: I saw it with my cousin and brother.

I'm afraid I have to add one more thing: Apparently, for the majority of the time I was crushing on him, some fool I worked with...who I had told about my crush...had told EVERYONE in the workplace. And obviously, Boy was quite aware I had a crush on him when I asked him out.

Subtlety, where art thou?

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Thursday, April 01, 2004

In our first examination of my lack of luck with love, let us take another journey down memory lane.

INTERIOR: 1989, a small nameless town. An elementary school classroom is a buzz of activity and traffic. Little people run around doing surveys. What's your favorite animal? What's your favorite sport?, etc. A little Dateless runs around asking these questions with her usual ethusiasm, and decides to ask her first crush what his favorite colour is.

Dateless: What's your favorite colour, Jamie?

Jamie: Colour?

Dateless: Yes, colour!

Jamie: The colour of Shawna's eyes.

Dateless: (aghast) The colour of Shawna's eyes??

Jamie: Yup! I like her!

Dateless: (indignant) That's not a colour! Say a real colour!

Jamie: It is a real colour! It's blue!


END SCENE


I still weep at the thought of this episode.... ;)
Do you?

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